Grief Education

Understanding traumatic grief

If you have experienced the sudden, unexpected, or out-of-order death of a beloved person in your life, you are likely experiencing traumatic grief. Because education about traumatic grief is quite limited within our culture, it can be difficult to gain insight and understanding about it.

Below are some basic details about traumatic grief, as well as the ways it can be approached within the therapeutic setting at Center for Compassion.

In one paragraph

Traumatic grief is a specific type of bereavement in which a person or family experiences the death of a beloved in a sudden, unexpected, violent, or out-of-order way. Grief is then experienced within the context of trauma related to the death — so both grief responses and trauma responses become part of the lived experience of those grieving.

Common questions

What grieving people ask us most

These are the questions we hear again and again. There are no wrong ones.

What is traumatic grief?

Traumatic grief is a specific type of bereavement in which a person or family experiences the death of a beloved in a sudden, unexpected, violent, or anachronistic (out of order) way. Grief is then experienced within the context of trauma related to the death. As a result, both grief responses and trauma responses become part of the lived experience of those grieving.

Is traumatic grief a mental illness?

No. Traumatic grief is not a disorder or a mental illness. It is, however, very misunderstood within our culture. Grievers are often met with platitudes, demands to 'move on', encouragement to escape emotions through substances and distraction, exclusion from social gatherings, insistence to 'think positively', and discouragement from talking about their pain or their beloved who died. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. The pain and dis-order you are feeling is your natural response to missing, longing, and trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

People in my life are telling me I'm depressed. Is that true?

Grief and depression are not the same thing. Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a diagnosable mental disorder outlined in the DSM-5. It has characteristics that appear similar to grief, but it is not the same. If you are in deep mourning, you are likely experiencing many symptoms that overlap with MDD — sadness, inability to experience pleasure, social withdrawal, changes in sleep and eating patterns, low energy, difficulty concentrating. It is highly important to consider the context in which you are experiencing these responses. It is normal, natural, and expected to feel such deep sadness after someone you love has died. This is not pathology; it is an expression of your love and longing for them. If you have a history of Major Depressive Disorder prior to the death of your beloved, that is something that can be explored further within the therapeutic setting.

No one could possibly understand this. How could a therapist?

You are right. No one else can understand what this is like for you, because no one else is you. No one else has the same relationship you do with the person who died, and no one else is grieving them in the same way you are. Our providers would not assume to know what this is like for you, but they will listen deeply to your experience. At the same time, as part of being human, there are some experiences in grief that can be similar for grievers, though they are never the same. Together with our providers you can approach both the experiences that are entirely individual and those that may feel somewhat universal.

When will this get better?

As part of our practice approach we try very hard not to use the word 'better' when it comes to traumatic grief, because grief isn't something that needs to be fixed or changed. That said, the frequency and intensity of grief responses does change over time with the practice of becoming familiar with grief. As you work to create a relationship with grief and become familiar with it both in and out of sessions, you will strengthen your emotional capacity to feel and honor grief when it arises.

I've lost someone before, but this feels different. Is that typical?

Yes. Traumatic grief is a different experience than grief for other kinds of losses. In addition, each experience of grief can be different because you are grieving a different person and you have a different relationship with them. It is quite typical and normal for each experience of grief to be somewhat different from another.

Since my loved one died, people around me have said hurtful things. Does this happen to other grievers?

Unfortunately, grief is highly misunderstood within our culture and community. As a result, many grievers are met with hurtful platitudes and misunderstanding about their pain, such as 'God has a plan', 'they are in a better place', 'it was for the best', 'you can have more children', 'everything happens for a reason', or 'it could be worse'. For many grievers, these comments are not helpful and can increase the sense of isolation and stigma that often accompanies traumatic grief. If this has happened, you are not alone in this experience.

What do you mean by 'mindfulness', and how does it help while grieving?

Mindfulness is often misconstrued as an attempt to 'not think' or to focus only on what is externally happening. Mindfulness is truly the practice of being fully present with all that is arising in each moment, both externally and internally. For example, if you feel an internal sense of sadness or missing, mindfulness would have you turn your attention toward that emotional state rather than distract yourself from it. While practicing staying with the emotion, you notice that emotions come and go — that no emotion is eternal. This helps while grieving because it allows you to become familiar with painful emotions and practice feeling them. With practice it becomes less frightening to be reminded of your pain and to feel the emotions when they arise.

Is this normal?

Common and typical grief responses

Grief is individualized, but there are experiences many grievers share. If you recognize yourself here, nothing is wrong with you.

Intense periods of sadness and crying
Disrupted sleep patterns
Disrupted eating patterns
Thinking often about the person you love who has died
Difficulty with focus
Low energy
Agitation, impatience, or anger
Foggy thought processes
Forgetfulness
Guilt
Feeling 'dazed'
Intense longing, yearning, and missing for your beloved
Reminders of your loved one coming up throughout your day
Replaying memories surrounding the death itself
Tension in familial and social relationships
Heightened sense of fear
Wishing you had 'done something' different to prevent the death
Thoughts about death and reflecting on your own life
Losing sense of time
Apathy
Low tolerance for superficial social interactions
Disinterest in things that once interested you
Feeling misunderstood by those around you while you grieve
Spiritual questioning
Heightened emotional responses around specific days, times of year, anniversaries, or holidays

If you are experiencing some of these responses and would like support, reach out. Someone will get back to you within 1–2 business days.

In session

How we work with grief

The main focus is the creation of your own mindful, intentional relationship with grief — and maintaining a relationship with the person you love who died.

Meditation
Ritual
Remembrance
"Talk" Therapy
Expressive Art
Natural Nervous System Support
Bibliotherapy
Increasing Coping Skills
Exploring your Social Support System
Therapeutic Exercises
Improving Self-Regulation Skills
Engaging With A Community of Grievers
Being In Nature
Contemplative Practices

What becomes possible

After engagement with services at Center for Compassion, most individuals are able to:

1 Manage and cope with grief in healthy and effective ways.
2 Maintain a relationship and connection with their beloved(s) who died.
3 Live an integrated and connected life in which grief is an ongoing part of their journey.
4 Find meaning and beauty in their own lives while remembering and grieving.

Hurting? Reach out.

You do not have to bear this alone.

Our providers would be honored to meet you and know as much as you want to share about your beloved who has died.

Book Now

Prefer to talk first?

480-530-6441 (call or text)

info@thecenterforcompassion.com